Sunday, May 30, 2010
Fighting Back With What Little I Have Left
As anyone who has read this blog even once since September knows, my life has had its share of ups and downs. In the past week I have been poked, prodded, sampled, tested, wired,... all in the name of figuring out why I suffer from extreme fatigue during the day, and why I can't stay asleep at night.
After seeing my cardiologist 5 times in May, he (and my GP) suggested emphatically, that I get a sleep study done. They both were concerned about sleep apnea. Guess what? Sleep apnea kills. It can kill you quick by allowing you to fall asleep at the wheel (which I do almost everytime I drive into Ithaca) or it can do it slowly by trashing your blood pressure, adrenal system and your immune system.
I did the sleep study on Wednesday night. I won't share with you all that I have learned since then only because I am still processing it. None of it was good news. Yesterday my GP called me at home on a Saturday to let me know that my last round of blood-sugar tests came back. Looks like diabetes wants to play too.
I have tried to stay upbeat through this recovery. I have tried to keep my head up, focus on the healing and I have kept myself optimistic by reassuring myself that soon everything would be fine. I guess "soon" means different things now than it used to. So, we fix the sleep apnea (I hope to be fitted for a CPAP as early as next Thursday), then we deal with the huge weight gain since January. See if that kicks the shit out of the diabetes. If so, sometime in September, we re-run some of these heart tests and see if we can keep this body of mine from stroking out. Wish me luck till then! Here's hoping there is a night of solid sleep on my horizon. It's been seven months without a single solid night of sleep. I think they call this torture.
I guess the final question must be: What's with all the freakin' flowers if life sucks so bad? Well... if I can't jump in my kayak (abs are too destroyed and the hernia is too fragile), and I can't make pots in any serious manner... well... the options get fewer. I can sit around the house and dose myself with food, pain killers and boredom.... or I can find beauty around my yard. If I can catch even a glimpse of that gorgeous light once or twice a day, then it feels like something positive has come from the doing.
This weekend I had a chance to take pictures of Aurora with alternating grandparents. First her maternal grandmother on Friday and then Nancy's folks came over on Saturday. (That will likely be tomorrow's post.) I love working with portraiture. I find it extraordinarily difficult, but if I can make just one great image, I feel like it was worth the work. Anyone feel like they want to sit for a portrait anytime soon? Seriously. I need subjects who are willing to sit for 45min to an hour. If you're willing, I would love to give it a whirl. Location of your choosing. We can do it in the coffee shop, the gardens, the woods, the lakeside... just about anywhere you desire.
With that said... perhaps that explains a little more about why I shoot flowers. They are available when everyone else is either at school or at work. They will hold still for an hour so I can bend the light to catch just the right sparkle. And maybe, once in a while, they capture something human.